No cake this year. No party, no singing, no wrapped gifts. I was asked if I felt different, do you ever really feel different on your birthday? Really, it was just another Monday. Another year older and each year I get less and less enthused about it as do the people around me. I guess that's just part of growing up. I can't really complain because I did get to see the Broadway play Rent with my dad. We went just the two of us, which was nice because it's something that has never happened before. I got to eat some good food and spend some precious time with my love. I got a deep purple purse that's big enough to fit all my junk into as well as some Seychelle boots I talked my mom into getting me for my birthday about a month and a half ago. So all is not terrible. In fact life is good. I need to stay focused on the positive things because lately I've been feeling like I'm at a breaking point. These past couple of days a lot of bad things have been happening and I didn't particularly enjoy my actual birthday. It was just one thing after another to the point where everything felt like it was ready to spill out all at once. I cried for the first time in months but it wasn't even a good cry. Just a slight tear leakage, mostly out of frustration.
This is mostly me ranting. Not gushing about clothes or shoes but venting about life. I know I don't have it so bad, I realize that. I just feel like I'm still searching for happiness. I can really relate to this exact feeling (from Garden State) more and more:
- You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
- I still feel at home in my house.
- You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
I'm not sure if happiness comes with a solid career, foundation, family and friends, or if it's just something you have to find yourself with patience and time. I think I'll feel true happiness when I feel the feeling of home again.
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